I've just started my MA dissertation. The time has come to say something original, and to stop merely relaying what others before me have said. Anyone who has studied the ancient Mediterranean at this level knows how tough it is to find something brand new and unexplored to research, my project is no exception. And so I find myself sitting on a pile of research and wondering how I will make a mark that is uniquely my own. Maybe I won't, and my five and a half years of tertiary education will end with a damp squib. Maybe I will, and my five and a half years of tertiary education will pay off. I guess we'll find out in the spring.
Meanwhile, I'm aware that I'm in endgame. Which means that either I finish, or I roll the dice and start a new game. I'm still not fully sold on a PhD, one year after the idea was floated. I'm not in a financial position to do one for funsies. It doesn't offer job security.
So what do I do now? I will graduate with a Master's aged 38(!) - and whilst I don't and won't regret a single minute, I am curious to see if all of this will change my life, or merely augment it. I often wonder what would have happened if I'd have gone to uni at the 'normal' age (in a fantasy past in which I had the secondary education to get me there) and where I might be right now, 38, having not wasted so many years. In an office with my name on the door? Marking papers? Supervising theses? Too late for all of that. Does potential have an expiration date? Does my chance to make something of myself fade exponentially as I grow older? The issue is that there are too few alternative options to the traditional student-to-faculty pipeline. Even if there were, would faculty know enough about them to guide the students curious about those alternative paths? Perhaps not. I'm not made for that pipeline, as I realised when I had a smaller version of this same quandary during my undergraduate dissertation.
Of course, I've achieved more than I ever dreamed I would and I don't want to sound ungrateful to those who helped get me here, but I'm starting to notice the subtle sheen of the glass ceiling above my greying head. I am running out of time to work out what the next step is.
Since I last updated the blog in July I have admittedly added a few new achievements to my list, having done guest spots on the Movies We Dig and Let's Talk About Myths, Baby! podcasts. The first was classical reception (HBO's Rome - THIRTEEN) and the other about my current research. Seeing the roster of historians that had previously guested on each show was as intimidating as it was gratifying. I'm in pretty rarefied company, which warms the heart greatly as winter draws in. Despite my nerves, and thanks in no small part to the consummate hosts, both were a huge thrill and such fun to record. It reminded me of the dopamine hit of giving a great walking tour, and are both in their own way a performance. With tours, when a joke or factoid really landed I got that instant response that was so addictive, the same high I got as a theatre kid. I've missed that. Writing and performing tours is exactly like being on a stage, except the words and work is your own. You research, you put on your show sharing your enthusiasm for the subject. And if you're really lucky, you get oohs and ahhs, and laughter and applause. Of course it's addictive. With the podcasts I had to wait a little while, but the feedback from both was just as gratifying. I didn't immediately feel as at ease with a mic and a laptop as I do in front of a monument, but I suppose I would with more experience. It's definitely an experience I'd recommend. It reminded me that the best part of research is getting to share why what you find makes you tick, and let's be honest, essay assignments don't and aren't designed to do that. It felt good to have conversations where I could unabashedly share why I love what I love.
Neverthless, as fun as they were, the Oodie is coming out of storage as I hunker down to write this dissertation. The final push, the culmination. I don't want it to be, it sounds so much like a conclusion, which is ever so depressing. Where will I end up at graduation? Too well-trained to enjoy documentaries anymore, not able to progress further, stuck in some weird liminal space between enthusiast and historian, unable to feel truly comfortable in either. Limbo.
It strikes me that the state of much public history doesn't help matters, else I'd feel less bereft at returning to where I came from. With lectures and institutional access (and yes, #ClassicsTwitter -requiescat in pace...) it felt like being admitted into Willy Wonka's factory or the Cave of Wonders. Everything I wanted and more besides was all of a sudden at my fingertips. My problem is that I got too touchy-feely despite knowing my visit was temporary. I just got so excited, you see, because the leap from documentaries and paperbacks was over a bloody chasm. Have you ever noticed how few are providing accessible ancient history content at a more advanced level? The kind of thing I craved before I enrolled, and that would sustain me beyond graduation. It's infuriating. At the same time, I find myself pining for those dopamine hits. And so, perhaps I will find things to do after graduation after all, because if you want something doing...